If your child is being bullied, you just can't read the latest books on the market fast enough. I know. I tried and found that I could not keep up with the constant taunts that my 10 year old daughter had to face day in and day out at her elementary school. I did, however, find a couple of gems in my search for help and answers to stop this attack on my child.
An absolute must for all moms, dad, caregivers, grandparents, teachers, yard duties (both paid and volunteers), and school principals and administrators is Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman. While it was written with older children in mind, it really educated me on the whole girl world dynamic. This book should be required reading for all persons involved with children.
One added bonus was that I finally understood what had happened to me back in the 8th grade when I was unwittingly attacked from behind by my Queen Bee. It took me 30 years to realize it was all thanks to her.
Currently, I am reading The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso. This is a brilliant book which actually goes into great depth as to the why and how of the actions of the bully and the bystander. It promises to help me turn things around. I am half way through and hoping to learn some useful tools that I can teach my daughter before she heads back off to school next month. I'll be sure to pass along any and all insight I gain from this read. I promise!:)
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
When Bullying Results In Murder
This past week back east a 25 year old Latino man, father of two was brutalized and murdered at the hands of 5 -17 year olds and their leader, an 18 year old college student. This is bullying at it worst folks. Their violent (bullying) actions were racially motivated.
The usual excuses were given: "We didn't mean to hurt him." Yeah, yeah! Spare me the violin act! When you punched him to the ground and kicked him, not once but repeatedly in the head, you meant to kill him! These criminals must be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
The greatest tragedy is not that these young men have ruined their own lives, but this poor man's children will suffer their entire life-times for the grotesque actions of these teenage bullies.
The usual excuses were given: "We didn't mean to hurt him." Yeah, yeah! Spare me the violin act! When you punched him to the ground and kicked him, not once but repeatedly in the head, you meant to kill him! These criminals must be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
The greatest tragedy is not that these young men have ruined their own lives, but this poor man's children will suffer their entire life-times for the grotesque actions of these teenage bullies.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Spoiled Rotten
Let's face it. We are raising the most spoiled generation of children to ever walk the face of planet earth. Don't get me wrong. I am guilty as charged. My children say things that shock me on a regular basis. That being the case, I also let them know just how spoiled their comments sound and inform them that I am not raising spoiled brats.
Our children have literally everything under the sun. In fact, they have 2 and 3 of just about every toy ever made! What ever happened to "good things come to those who wait"? When I was a kid and wanted a new toy or gadget, my mother told me I'd have to wait until my birthday or Christmas. And that was always a long way off.
At the beginning of the year there was a report on a family that had come upon hard times. The dad was unemployed and the wife was studying to be a nurse. They took their three beautiful girls to the grocery store to buy food and only food. I was stunned to hear the mother say, "Oh, they are going to ask for a toy. They always get toys when we come. They are not going to be happy." How ridiculous is that? Every time these girls go to the supermarket, they get a toy?
Who is to blame for our children being spoiled? You guessed it. We are! So, it is time to admit it and get to work on fixing it. Step one: Repeat after me. N-O. NO.
Our children have literally everything under the sun. In fact, they have 2 and 3 of just about every toy ever made! What ever happened to "good things come to those who wait"? When I was a kid and wanted a new toy or gadget, my mother told me I'd have to wait until my birthday or Christmas. And that was always a long way off.
At the beginning of the year there was a report on a family that had come upon hard times. The dad was unemployed and the wife was studying to be a nurse. They took their three beautiful girls to the grocery store to buy food and only food. I was stunned to hear the mother say, "Oh, they are going to ask for a toy. They always get toys when we come. They are not going to be happy." How ridiculous is that? Every time these girls go to the supermarket, they get a toy?
Who is to blame for our children being spoiled? You guessed it. We are! So, it is time to admit it and get to work on fixing it. Step one: Repeat after me. N-O. NO.
The Green Eyed Monster
Today another mom and I decided to do something a little extra special for our daughters' soccer team. The team was attending a soccer camp in near 100 degree weather today, so we surprised them with ice cream sundaes. My daughter Halley asked if her best friend could have a sundae. We moms agreed, but insisted that the friend eat with our team as we did not want there to be any problems.
To make a long story short, Halley comes back with her best friend's little sister also attending with her team. We asked the girl to sit and eat her sundae with us. She said she wanted to go back with her team. We again asked her to stay with us. Well, the green eyed monsters were already rearing their ugly heads. Three of the girls on her team marched right up to our table and asked if they could have some ice cream. Put in a bad situation, I counted 5 girls, but they seemed to be rapidly multiplying.
So, I asked how many girls were on the team. They answered 13. Yikes! We did not have enough for the whole team. When we told them that we did not have enough, one of the girls was clearly angry as they returned to their spot in the shade.
When our little friend went back over to her team, the girls, led by the angry one, began to yell at her. We moms had decided to make them a dish and stick the remaining 4 spoons in it. We called over the little girl so she could take it back to her teammates who promptly demanded she bring more spoons. Then, the original three girls ran up to us and demanded 2 more spoons! We were stunned! We told them that we had no more spoons. They demanded 2 more spoons yet again.
When they were unable to obtain more spoons, they stormed off. I did yell out to them that their parents would be very disappointed at their behavior. The other mom added that they didn't even bother to say thank you! Unbelievable!
To make a long story short, Halley comes back with her best friend's little sister also attending with her team. We asked the girl to sit and eat her sundae with us. She said she wanted to go back with her team. We again asked her to stay with us. Well, the green eyed monsters were already rearing their ugly heads. Three of the girls on her team marched right up to our table and asked if they could have some ice cream. Put in a bad situation, I counted 5 girls, but they seemed to be rapidly multiplying.
So, I asked how many girls were on the team. They answered 13. Yikes! We did not have enough for the whole team. When we told them that we did not have enough, one of the girls was clearly angry as they returned to their spot in the shade.
When our little friend went back over to her team, the girls, led by the angry one, began to yell at her. We moms had decided to make them a dish and stick the remaining 4 spoons in it. We called over the little girl so she could take it back to her teammates who promptly demanded she bring more spoons. Then, the original three girls ran up to us and demanded 2 more spoons! We were stunned! We told them that we had no more spoons. They demanded 2 more spoons yet again.
When they were unable to obtain more spoons, they stormed off. I did yell out to them that their parents would be very disappointed at their behavior. The other mom added that they didn't even bother to say thank you! Unbelievable!
Normal Bullying?
Can you imagine a school administrator describing bullying (heck it was sexual assault!) as "normal bullying"??? What the heck is going on in this country? This took place in Sunnyvale, Texas where the abuse went on for years, was reported, and not one responsible adult did anything about it!!! As a nation and as parents, we should be outraged! I know I am! What about you?
There is nothing normal about bullying! Until we redefine our society's definition of bullying, the violence that is bullying will continue. When adults are verbally and physically attacked, we press charges. Why do we allow crimes against our children (read bullying) go unpunished?
By calling the crime of violence against our children "bullying" (which translates into "normal", acceptable" behavior that goes unpunished by law) we are allowing terrible injustices and abuse to occur unchecked in our homes, schools, and workplace. Let's not forget that bullies grow up to be bully bosses and some become hardened criminals.
There is nothing normal about bullying! Until we redefine our society's definition of bullying, the violence that is bullying will continue. When adults are verbally and physically attacked, we press charges. Why do we allow crimes against our children (read bullying) go unpunished?
By calling the crime of violence against our children "bullying" (which translates into "normal", acceptable" behavior that goes unpunished by law) we are allowing terrible injustices and abuse to occur unchecked in our homes, schools, and workplace. Let's not forget that bullies grow up to be bully bosses and some become hardened criminals.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Kudos to Penelope Cruz!
Yeah! It's about time we added some star power to the national campaign to end bullying. Headline News reported today that Penelope Cruz has made a harsh statement by saying that gossip and rumors have a lasting and devastating affect on future generations.
You bet your sweet petunia it affects future generations! Every mom who has had to pick up the pieces of their once happy, vivacious child knows that the targets don't come out of it unscathed. Funny, bullying can take a matter of seconds, but the victims carry the scars of the bullying in their psyche for a lifetime. And let's not forget that 1 out of 4 children are bullied every single day at school! Thanks Penelope!
You bet your sweet petunia it affects future generations! Every mom who has had to pick up the pieces of their once happy, vivacious child knows that the targets don't come out of it unscathed. Funny, bullying can take a matter of seconds, but the victims carry the scars of the bullying in their psyche for a lifetime. And let's not forget that 1 out of 4 children are bullied every single day at school! Thanks Penelope!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice
That's just not what little girls are made of these days. I was watching the M & J Show the other day and they were discussing the violent behavior of girls that we are all seeing splashed all over the Headlines. We've all heard about the videos being taken while "friends" beat up another "friend" to post it on one of the popular sites like You Tube or My Space.
The actions of these teens is despicable and unconscionable. One of the hosts asked the guest child psychologist why these girls are exhibiting "male" violent behavior. His answer surprised me. He said that with the blurring of the gender lines, our girls are becoming more violent.
Don't even get me started on the daily violence they witness when playing video games, watching television, and movies! Well, okay. Get me started, but I'll have to tackle the topic of violent media marketed to our children another time to be announced.
The catty behavior starts in primary school. It is so subtle that the teachers don't even see or hear it. For my youngest daughter, the catty behavior started in 2nd grade. I remember the hard time that 3 girls used to give her in the classroom. To her credit, that 2nd grade teacher actually did catch it and did address it on more than one occasion.
But what about the girls who get away with the catty behavior? Year after year, they go around humiliating the girls who are not in their inner circle. Those girls become ostracized by the other girls because they do not want to be humiliated themselves. When left uncorrected, the catty behavior creates an inescapable vicious circle. The victims are not physically hurt, but they are mentally and emotionally devastated.
The actions of these teens is despicable and unconscionable. One of the hosts asked the guest child psychologist why these girls are exhibiting "male" violent behavior. His answer surprised me. He said that with the blurring of the gender lines, our girls are becoming more violent.
Don't even get me started on the daily violence they witness when playing video games, watching television, and movies! Well, okay. Get me started, but I'll have to tackle the topic of violent media marketed to our children another time to be announced.
The catty behavior starts in primary school. It is so subtle that the teachers don't even see or hear it. For my youngest daughter, the catty behavior started in 2nd grade. I remember the hard time that 3 girls used to give her in the classroom. To her credit, that 2nd grade teacher actually did catch it and did address it on more than one occasion.
But what about the girls who get away with the catty behavior? Year after year, they go around humiliating the girls who are not in their inner circle. Those girls become ostracized by the other girls because they do not want to be humiliated themselves. When left uncorrected, the catty behavior creates an inescapable vicious circle. The victims are not physically hurt, but they are mentally and emotionally devastated.
My Ally the Principal?
So, as I was saying earlier, once I calmed Halley down, we marched straight into the Principal's Office to report the bullies. Mrs. Rogers took us into her office and asked Hal to tell her what had happened. I saw the tail end of it, but I sat quietly and let Hal do the talking. I did not feel the need to speak for her.
Having said all that needed to be said, Mrs. Rogers asked who the "kingpin" was. Hal was confused as she did not understand the term. I explained that it meant "leader". That was easy. It was Liza, since Liza had told Hal that it was her idea when Hal accused another girl for coming up with it.
Mrs. Rogers said she would call the girls in the following morning (the last day of school and Halley's actual birthday). As I stood up to leave, I said that I would talk to the moms. Mrs. Rogers advised me not to. I thought it was strange, but since I had come to know three of the moms quite well, I spoke with them. (Those conversations are good for another post.)
The next day Hal was called into the Principal's Office along with the other girls. Earlier I had seen two of the moms talking really fast outside of the office. One of them was Emily, Liza's mom. Suffice it to say, our telephone conversation the day before did not go so well. However, I felt confident that the Mrs. Rogers would get to the bottom of the problem and fix it. I truly thought that the girls would come out of her office with their friendships intact. Boy was I wrong!
Instead, Mrs. Rogers told Hal that her story was completely different from the girls' story and that it looked like Hal was the one ganging up on them! Wait, it gets better. Mrs. Rogers had the audacity to bring up the fact that Hal had failed to invite two of the girls to her birthday party!
I could not believe my ears! I was stunned! What is worse, Hal said that every time the girls lied and Hal tried to speak, Mrs. Rogers shushed her! Hal was never aloud to defend herself against their lies! I trusted the Principal to protect my daughter and instead she re-victimized her. So, that day Halley learned that the adults at school would not protect her, but would only hurt her more.
Having said all that needed to be said, Mrs. Rogers asked who the "kingpin" was. Hal was confused as she did not understand the term. I explained that it meant "leader". That was easy. It was Liza, since Liza had told Hal that it was her idea when Hal accused another girl for coming up with it.
Mrs. Rogers said she would call the girls in the following morning (the last day of school and Halley's actual birthday). As I stood up to leave, I said that I would talk to the moms. Mrs. Rogers advised me not to. I thought it was strange, but since I had come to know three of the moms quite well, I spoke with them. (Those conversations are good for another post.)
The next day Hal was called into the Principal's Office along with the other girls. Earlier I had seen two of the moms talking really fast outside of the office. One of them was Emily, Liza's mom. Suffice it to say, our telephone conversation the day before did not go so well. However, I felt confident that the Mrs. Rogers would get to the bottom of the problem and fix it. I truly thought that the girls would come out of her office with their friendships intact. Boy was I wrong!
Instead, Mrs. Rogers told Hal that her story was completely different from the girls' story and that it looked like Hal was the one ganging up on them! Wait, it gets better. Mrs. Rogers had the audacity to bring up the fact that Hal had failed to invite two of the girls to her birthday party!
I could not believe my ears! I was stunned! What is worse, Hal said that every time the girls lied and Hal tried to speak, Mrs. Rogers shushed her! Hal was never aloud to defend herself against their lies! I trusted the Principal to protect my daughter and instead she re-victimized her. So, that day Halley learned that the adults at school would not protect her, but would only hurt her more.
Birthday Invitations
I mentioned birthday invitations in an earlier piece. I think that invitations represent an important topic, so it bears repeating here. Every year I absolutely dread handing out the birthday invitations. I learned back in 1st grade that you can’t let the kids hand them out, no matter how secretly it is done.
I’ll never forget the first graders piling out of the classroom. I handed Halley the invites to slip into a few of the girls hands undetected. She did a great job, too. The problem was that one little girl took the envelope and yelled out to the other girls, “A birthday invitation! Did you get one? Did you get one?” I was mortified! One little girl I did not even know marched right up to me, told me her name, and said that I could bring her invitation tomorrow.
I’m sure we have all had tears over the birthday invitations our children did not get. Especially, when they are handed out overtly on the playground or when another child goes around spreading the bad news that your child did not get one. We really do need to teach our little ones proper birthday invitation etiquette and we parents need to follow it ourselves.
Why is it necessary to teach our children proper birthday invitation etiquette? Well, we are doing a lousy job of it now and look at what is happening. I haven't met a mom yet who loves to hand out birthday invitations. We've all seen the abuse and the hurt that is caused by not training our kids how to graciously and quietly accept an invitation.
In fact, my nine year old was ousted from her group of friends because she did not invite 2 of the other girls from the group. Those two friends, by the way, had never once invited Halley to their homes nor to their parties. Not only that, but the two girls were mean to Halley because of her growing friendship with Veronica, the prize.
I’ll never forget the first graders piling out of the classroom. I handed Halley the invites to slip into a few of the girls hands undetected. She did a great job, too. The problem was that one little girl took the envelope and yelled out to the other girls, “A birthday invitation! Did you get one? Did you get one?” I was mortified! One little girl I did not even know marched right up to me, told me her name, and said that I could bring her invitation tomorrow.
I’m sure we have all had tears over the birthday invitations our children did not get. Especially, when they are handed out overtly on the playground or when another child goes around spreading the bad news that your child did not get one. We really do need to teach our little ones proper birthday invitation etiquette and we parents need to follow it ourselves.
Why is it necessary to teach our children proper birthday invitation etiquette? Well, we are doing a lousy job of it now and look at what is happening. I haven't met a mom yet who loves to hand out birthday invitations. We've all seen the abuse and the hurt that is caused by not training our kids how to graciously and quietly accept an invitation.
In fact, my nine year old was ousted from her group of friends because she did not invite 2 of the other girls from the group. Those two friends, by the way, had never once invited Halley to their homes nor to their parties. Not only that, but the two girls were mean to Halley because of her growing friendship with Veronica, the prize.
The Ousting
Just as the school year was winding down, my 9 year old daughter Halley was looking forward to her birthday party. She was one step closer to the coveted prize: Teenager-hood! Turning double digits was a big deal to her as it is for most little girls. She couldn’t wait to make out invitations and pick out party decorations. She had decided on a pool party this year. We had just moved into our new home and she’d never had a pool before, so she dreamed of it being a lot of fun.
Halley quickly decided she wanted her guests to come dressed up like famous people. Of course, I messed up on the invitations and instructed them to come as their favorite star. Halley quickly corrected the error. Every year I dread handing out the birthday invitations. I learned back in 1st grade that you can’t let the kids hand them out, no matter how secretly it is done.
I’ll never forget the first graders piling out of the classroom. I handed Halley the invites to slip into a few of the girls hands undetected. She did a great job, too. The problem was that one little girl took the envelope and yelled out to the other girls, “A birthday invitation! Did you get one? Did you get one?” I was mortified! One little girl I did not even know marched right up to me, told me her name, and said that I could bring her invitation tomorrow.
I’m sure we have all had tears over the birthday invitations our children did not get. Especially, when they are handed out overtly on the playground or when another child goes around spreading the bad news that your child did not get one. We really do need to teach our little ones proper birthday invitation etiquette and we parents need to follow it ourselves.
So, from that moment on, I handed the invitations out to the other mommies completely out of sight of the children. This year in fourth grade, I made no exception. Halley had made some nice friends and those were the girls we invited. I allowed her to invite 8.
The girls arrived at the party and walked down the red carpet with glamour and style. Two of the girls arrived together dressed as twins. Veronica and Liza were Halley’s closest friends from the moment we arrived in town. They had lots of play dates and sleepovers.
All of Halley’s guest had arrived and the activities were in full swing. It became blaringly apparent that Veronica and Liza were more interested in separating themselves from the other girls than they were in joining in. The other girls tried to engage them, but they turned them off. I had not seen these two behave like little snobs before. I assumed the matching costumes went to their heads a bit.
Once the girls were in the swimming pool, Liza and Veronica hogged the rafts and stayed in the deep end, clearly avoiding the other girls. I finally couldn’t control myself anymore. I asked Veronica and Liza why they weren’t playing with the other girls. They just shrugged. I pointed out that the girls might get the idea that they don’t like them. Again, they both shrugged and continued to ignore the other girls for the rest of the party.
What’s that saying? “Hind sight is 20/20 vision.” School was one day away from letting out and in just two days Hal would turn 10. During a Field Day Event on the playground that day, Halley’s 2 “BFF’s” and three other girls pulled Hal aside and one by one went around in a circle telling Hal all the things they felt were wrong with her. She was told that she would change these things or they would not be her friends anymore.
I walked up on the character assassination as it was happening, but I got there too late to save my daughter. Halley was absolutely devastated and so was I. Once I calmed her down and cleaned up her face, we went into the principal’s office to report the bullying. What does all this have to do with birthday invitations? Just wait. You won’t believe what the principal did! This is getting long, so more on that tomorrow.
Halley quickly decided she wanted her guests to come dressed up like famous people. Of course, I messed up on the invitations and instructed them to come as their favorite star. Halley quickly corrected the error. Every year I dread handing out the birthday invitations. I learned back in 1st grade that you can’t let the kids hand them out, no matter how secretly it is done.
I’ll never forget the first graders piling out of the classroom. I handed Halley the invites to slip into a few of the girls hands undetected. She did a great job, too. The problem was that one little girl took the envelope and yelled out to the other girls, “A birthday invitation! Did you get one? Did you get one?” I was mortified! One little girl I did not even know marched right up to me, told me her name, and said that I could bring her invitation tomorrow.
I’m sure we have all had tears over the birthday invitations our children did not get. Especially, when they are handed out overtly on the playground or when another child goes around spreading the bad news that your child did not get one. We really do need to teach our little ones proper birthday invitation etiquette and we parents need to follow it ourselves.
So, from that moment on, I handed the invitations out to the other mommies completely out of sight of the children. This year in fourth grade, I made no exception. Halley had made some nice friends and those were the girls we invited. I allowed her to invite 8.
The girls arrived at the party and walked down the red carpet with glamour and style. Two of the girls arrived together dressed as twins. Veronica and Liza were Halley’s closest friends from the moment we arrived in town. They had lots of play dates and sleepovers.
All of Halley’s guest had arrived and the activities were in full swing. It became blaringly apparent that Veronica and Liza were more interested in separating themselves from the other girls than they were in joining in. The other girls tried to engage them, but they turned them off. I had not seen these two behave like little snobs before. I assumed the matching costumes went to their heads a bit.
Once the girls were in the swimming pool, Liza and Veronica hogged the rafts and stayed in the deep end, clearly avoiding the other girls. I finally couldn’t control myself anymore. I asked Veronica and Liza why they weren’t playing with the other girls. They just shrugged. I pointed out that the girls might get the idea that they don’t like them. Again, they both shrugged and continued to ignore the other girls for the rest of the party.
What’s that saying? “Hind sight is 20/20 vision.” School was one day away from letting out and in just two days Hal would turn 10. During a Field Day Event on the playground that day, Halley’s 2 “BFF’s” and three other girls pulled Hal aside and one by one went around in a circle telling Hal all the things they felt were wrong with her. She was told that she would change these things or they would not be her friends anymore.
I walked up on the character assassination as it was happening, but I got there too late to save my daughter. Halley was absolutely devastated and so was I. Once I calmed her down and cleaned up her face, we went into the principal’s office to report the bullying. What does all this have to do with birthday invitations? Just wait. You won’t believe what the principal did! This is getting long, so more on that tomorrow.
The "New Girl" Target
My husband and I moved our family from our home of 15 years in a large city to be closer to family in a much smaller community in California. I was ecstatic to be closer to my now aging parents and sister. Our daughters were finishing 4th and 5th grade. We felt we needed to make the move before our 5th grader went into junior high. We worried a great deal about her socialization and wanted to make sure she had friends going into junior high that fall.
Unfortunately, I could not buy a play date for my 5th grader. In spite of my efforts to invite girls over, A.J. was invited to only 3 play dates and 1 birthday party in the last 5 months of the school year. Our invitations were turned down because of the girls extra curricular activities. Moving half way through the school year made it impossible to join the Camp Fire Troops, Book Clubs, soccer team, etc.
On the other hand, my 4th grader Halley was so busy with play dates and birthday invitations, that I couldn’t even keep track of her social calendar. The very first day I took her to see her new school, a large herd of girls stampeded around her and asked her a million questions. Luckily, the bell rang and they ran back to class. I stood back and watched Hal’s reaction. At first she seem frightened, but did okay. I counted some 16 girls! I noticed that Jen, a neighbor girl we had just met, was there, but left right away before the other girls left.
On her first day of school, Halley stood up and sang a song she had written in front of the music class. The music teacher was delighted and very impressed to see a child voluntarily jump up and sing in front of an audience. According to Hal, she got a lot of attention from the other kids who were also impressed with her ability. Jen, however, was not impressed with Hal’s sudden popularity and talent and began to spread rumors about the “new girl".
Hal had a bit of a following for the first couple of weeks of school. She was not popular at the other school, so she did not know what to make of it. I told her that it would all die down in a few days once the novelty of her arrival wore off.
We ignored Jen’s bad behavior which included spreading rumors; telling people to be mean to Halley, and saying Hal’s name out loud to get her attention, then whispering in another girl’s ear while looking at Hal and then laughing. We invited Jen over to play numerous times. We invited her to our pizza/movie nights, Hal’s birthday party, and even took her to a Stanford Soccer game. Jen never once invited Hal over to play at her house.
One day Hal broke down in tears because she just didn’t understand why Jen didn’t like her. I felt so badly for her. I hugged her and said that not everyone is going to like us. I pointed out that we do not like everyone ourselves. I told her to forget about Jen. I assured her that we were not going to invite her over anymore and to just stay away from Jen at school. I told her there were a lot of nice girls at school who would be happy and lucky to be her friend.
Unfortunately, I could not buy a play date for my 5th grader. In spite of my efforts to invite girls over, A.J. was invited to only 3 play dates and 1 birthday party in the last 5 months of the school year. Our invitations were turned down because of the girls extra curricular activities. Moving half way through the school year made it impossible to join the Camp Fire Troops, Book Clubs, soccer team, etc.
On the other hand, my 4th grader Halley was so busy with play dates and birthday invitations, that I couldn’t even keep track of her social calendar. The very first day I took her to see her new school, a large herd of girls stampeded around her and asked her a million questions. Luckily, the bell rang and they ran back to class. I stood back and watched Hal’s reaction. At first she seem frightened, but did okay. I counted some 16 girls! I noticed that Jen, a neighbor girl we had just met, was there, but left right away before the other girls left.
On her first day of school, Halley stood up and sang a song she had written in front of the music class. The music teacher was delighted and very impressed to see a child voluntarily jump up and sing in front of an audience. According to Hal, she got a lot of attention from the other kids who were also impressed with her ability. Jen, however, was not impressed with Hal’s sudden popularity and talent and began to spread rumors about the “new girl".
Hal had a bit of a following for the first couple of weeks of school. She was not popular at the other school, so she did not know what to make of it. I told her that it would all die down in a few days once the novelty of her arrival wore off.
We ignored Jen’s bad behavior which included spreading rumors; telling people to be mean to Halley, and saying Hal’s name out loud to get her attention, then whispering in another girl’s ear while looking at Hal and then laughing. We invited Jen over to play numerous times. We invited her to our pizza/movie nights, Hal’s birthday party, and even took her to a Stanford Soccer game. Jen never once invited Hal over to play at her house.
One day Hal broke down in tears because she just didn’t understand why Jen didn’t like her. I felt so badly for her. I hugged her and said that not everyone is going to like us. I pointed out that we do not like everyone ourselves. I told her to forget about Jen. I assured her that we were not going to invite her over anymore and to just stay away from Jen at school. I told her there were a lot of nice girls at school who would be happy and lucky to be her friend.
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